Every once in a while, I come across someone with a pessimistic view of parenthood. There are people out there who seem to think that everyone has a screwed up childhood, and those few who do have caring, involved parents turn out to be screwed anyway because they are too coddled.
As a parent, I have to ponder this and wonder how much truth there is to it. Eager to keep my children from making too many mistakes in life, I'm going to teach them as well as I can how to do things for themselves and make good decisions. But if I am too successful in keeping them from making mistakes, then are they missing out in a crucial part of life and learning?
Today, as I sat with Esme and worked on her preschool workbook, I wondered whether I was becoming the example of a too-good parent. We work on 2-3 pages at a time so that she can maintain her focus, and I help her by showing her what to do and in some cases (like connecting the dots) using my hand to guide her hand in the drawing. Should I let her do everything for herself, even when it's clear that she is not getting the concept (like color in the squares, not color in every shape)? I think my guidance is helping her learn. She eventually started coloring in just the shapes that she was supposed to with less and less guidance from me. But will she grow up always looking for someone like Mommy to show her what to do?
It's a fine line to walk, figuring out how involved to be and how much to just let a child explore on their own. Esme has lots of free time to play where I am not involved at all, but I think the time we spend working on things together is important, too. And she enjoys both her free time and her structured time with Mommy. So for now I will banish that pessimistic voice echoing in my head saying it's impossible to be the perfect parent and continue trying to do the best I can.
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2 comments:
If it makes you feel better, even experts are unable to agree on topics such as this, so go ahead and guide Esme! If we are supposed to figure everything out for ourselves, then why go to school? At school they are showing kids the who, what, where, when and how of reading, writing, arithmetic etc. How is that any different from you teaching Esme how to connect the dots? Leading by example will only get you so far with kids. You have to train them. In addition to everything else, I think a mother is indeed a teacher. I take every opportunity to describe/explain/perform things for my 15 month old. Even with all my guidance, I am confident that my child will make plenty of mistakes and therefore will learn from both success and failure.
A balance of exploration and guidance is what is most important, in my experience, and giving each child what they need does not mean treating each child the same. This is probably why there are no easy answers. Helping a child to puzzle out and reason things for themselves will ultimately enable them to feel proud and independant. I am fascinated by the concept of giving a child so young a workbook, though. Surely this is intended to be a tool for parental engagement with intellectual growth, and your participation and leadership is crucial. Other than teaching me new games, songs and painting or modelling methods from nursery school, nearly three-year old Imogen would be hard pushed to independantly complete an activity that she had learned outside the home.
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