"You have a long way to go." This is what a man who appeared to be in his 70's said to me in Target as he admired Emil sleeping comfortably in his fleece pouch.
Now this is code talk in the private club of parents. Having been a member of this club for over two years now, I was able to decipher it. But it was the first time I realized there was a third tier in this secret club. I have long been aware of the first and second tiers of membership, but could there be a third tier? Apparently so.
Let me explain.
When Esme was first born, I noticed that being a parent is like belonging to a club. As I carried her around Brooklyn in her pouch, other parents, normally taciturn Brooklynites artfully trained in the avoidance of eye contact, would look me straight in the eye and do the unheard of: start a conversation. They would tell me about their children, and talk about the joys of parenthood. This happened on stoops of redbrick townhouses, in the subway, in line at the bagel shop, just about everywhere.
Eventually, I found myself talking to other new parents, striking up the conversation without thinking twice, acknowledging our mutual membership in this majestic club of parenthood. At some point, as I commented to a parent with a new baby, "Isn't it wonderful?" She looked at me, and explained, "Oh, this isn't my first baby." Her tone was somewhat offended. This same conversation happened several times before I fully understood that there are tiers to the parenthood club. The experienced parents and the new parents don't fall into the same category. You start different conversations with the different groups.
Now when I just have Emil with me and someone talks to me as if I were a brand new parent, I work hard not to say, "Oh, this isn't my first child." I just smile and say, "Yes, he's so much fun" when they go through the requisite lines, "Isn't parenthood wonderful?" and "Are you getting any sleep yet?" But when I have both children, parents in the second tier start laughing and talking about all the mistakes they made with newborns, sharing these stories with me because I am obviously a veteran.
Now, this older man who said "you have a long way to go" was speaking from a different perspective. He was speaking from the alumni group. And even though he spoke to me like I was a brand new parent, he might have said the same thing if I had had both children with me. Because the truth is, I do have a long way to go.
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The "club" description is completely accurate. The attention you grab with a pregnant belly and then newborn baby is staggering. It was almost as if no one noticed me before and now everyone talks to me when I am out with my 15 month old DD. I went to the Acura dealer the other day and the nicest man sat down next to my DD and I and struck up conversation. We chatted like old pals for over 45 minutes! I never saw that person before in my life. I also find myself saying all those things that parents say. You know, things like "isn't parenting magical?" and "it changes your life". Before I had a baby, I thought people said that stuff because they had to or they would look like bad parents. I thought everyone was lying. I was standing there quietly thinking to myself "it might change YOUR life, but I'll be one of those moms who goes on doing everything they did before, only now I will do it with a baby in tow." Boy, was I ever wrong. I know everyone says all that sappy unbelievable stuff, but now that I am a member of the "club", I found out the secret...IT'S TRUE!
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